Food Poisoning
By Claude Stevens
Copyright 1997
  This story is about getting food poison.  It all started when we first went in to Cambodia May of 70.  We were leaving early in the mornings and not getting back until after 9 or 10 PM at night.  I was doing PMI's every twodays.  When we would get in at night and finish up with the aircraft we wouldbe hungry but the mess hall would be closed.  So someone bitched about it and they started to make sandwiches for us.  This went on for a while and thingsstarted to slow down in Cambodia but we were still getting in late.  So one night on the way back to Vinh Long we got this call about picking up somewounded at this fire base and being number four in a flight of four my helicopter had the good fortune to do the job.  Now we are in the dark anddon't even know were the FB is at.  So we are told to take a heading and watch for the flare.  The people on the ground said that when they herd us theywould pop a flare.  So we found the place and take the wounded to Vinh Longand land on the pad on the river and go on home for the night.  Now this took us over and hour and a half.  We get back to Vinh long and I do the check thing and go on in to eat.  Now its 01:00am in the morning and the cook isclosing everything down when me and my door gunner arrive at the mess hall hungry as junk yard dogs.  So he is a little pissed that no one told him we were coming in later than the rest.  So he gets this big pan out and on it is a big pork roast sliced up and he gets us some bread and we make our sandwichwith the pork roast.  We get some milk and we sit down and talk to the cook and thank him for what he did for us.  So my gunner takes a bite and said he
didn't like it and that he would wait until the morning to eat.  Now I didn't get lunch because someone stole my C-rations out the back of my helicopter (Must have been Callison) and I only had a can of fruit cocktail, peanutbutter and crackers.  I didn't have anything to eat all evening, so I washungry.  I eat the sandwich down and drank the milk.  Sat there and talked to the cook for a few more minutes while we had a smoke.  My gunner had leftalready.  I felt my stomach rumble and I said to the cook that nature was about to call and that I had better be on my way.  I walked out the mess hall about 10 feet and this cramp hit me like a ton of bricks.  I had to stop for a second and it went away and I started walking again.  It hit me harder thistime and I had to go to my knees.  I felt like I had to puke.  So here I was
in the middle of the street with my stomach hurting like a horse had kicked me and my mouth watering like I had a river in it.  Then I get this gas pain in the lower part of my body and now I feel like I have to fart.  So I give this little push and I let out this gas, and I think I went airborne from the force.  It smelled like I have never smelled before.  I knew something was going wrong.  Now the pain went away so I started heading to the four holerthat is now about 50 yards away.  25 more yards from touch down and it hits me again, but this time it brings tears to my eyes and I shit in my pants before I even had time to try to stop it.  The best part about it I couldn't stopshitting.  There was so much gas coming out of me, if someone would have lit a match I think I would have blown up.  I have crap in my boots and I smell
worst than the four holer.  So now I'm sweating like I have been running for 20 miles.  I start to walk for the four holer again and I'm getting weak as a baby.  It hits me again, but this time I pull my pants down before the shitcomes flying.  But now its all water coming out and it is burning my butt hole because its coming out so fast.  Up till now no one has seen me because its about 02:00 in the morning.  So I make it to the four holer and sit down andblow some more out.  I sit there for about half and hour.  I take everything off and go into the shower and turn on the water only to find there isn't any.
I'm walking around in my birthday suit looking for a place to wash off.  I go to the troop next to our unit and walk into there shower.  I got lucky and there was some water and someone even left some soap so I washed off real goodand got out of there before someone seen me.  So I start to walk back to my
barracks and I make it to the steps and it hits me again and I start for the shit house again but don't make it.  About this time I fell so weak I just want to lay down and die.  I hear someone laughing there ass off and sayingwhat the hell am I doing.  That's when I knew I was in real trouble.  I was going to hit this asshole up side the head but I couldn't even open my mouth to say anything.  I couldn't even see anymore the sweat was in my eyes, I was down on one knee in my birthday suit, pissing out my asshole.  I think I would have had to laugh to.  The guy who ever he was asked if I was all right and Icouldn't say anything and now I knew I had his attention.  He garbed my arm and I herd him say something about I was burning up.  The next thing Iremembered was I was waking up in this all white room with this IV in my arm.
This doctor came in when they saw I was awake and started to ask all kinds of question about what I had to eat.  I couldn't remember at the time because I was still out of it.  They keep asking about every five minutes and I startedto get pissed.  The doctor said that they had to find out fast because what ever it was they had to find it and get rid of it are it could do in a lot of people.  So I'm thinking hard now what the hell is "IT."  Next thing I getthis bad taste in my mouth and I remember the pork sandwich.  I now rememberthat I was thinking about going to go and kill the cook the next day for what he had done to me.  I told him where to look for the Pork.  A little while later the doctor came in and said that they got it and it was really bad.
They kept me for one more day to make sure that I wasn't going to dehydrate again.  Top came and picked me up and asked what the hell had happened to me. He said that they found my boots, pants, and shirt but they couldn't find me. He said that they had shit all over the place and they thought that I had shit my life away.  Real funny I told him.  He didn't know how close I came todoing just that.  Till this day I can't eat Pork roast.  If I taste it I'llpuke all over the place.

Claude


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